It’s never easy to admit when you are wrong. Especially about something that I took for granted.
Well, here I am. I was wrong. I was wrong about something. I took it for granted. And now I’m having to reassess my situation and admit my mistake.
I took my health for granted.
For some weird reason, I thought I was a pretty healthy person. I walked to work, I packed my own lunch, I cooked most of our meals and I attempted to go to the gym when I could or run with my group. Then I slowly started slacking. I let go of running and working out and yet kept the same mindset.
It was like my mind had decided that because I had run for so long and worked out for so long that I had somehow managed to save some “health” so that if I took some time off, nothing in my body would change. That it would stay the same even if I ate like normal, as if I had collected time and stashed it all away.
Saving free calories for a rainy day.
But I was wrong. I can’t save up for an off day. Health is a daily process, a daily choice. A fight day in and day out.
I don’t run anymore. I don’t go to the gym any more and it’s officially showing. Not just showing, but showing so that I can’t ignore it any more.
My clothes don’t fit the same and I’m struggling to put together an outfit that doesn’t look like shit or show off my bulging muffin top that I can no longer tuck under my shirt. My cheekbones don’t stand out like they used to and my collar bones have fallen away. If I had a waist line I can’t tell. I’m just one big shape now.
But I’m not here to beat myself up, at least any more. I’ve been doing enough of that lately. The reason for this outpouring of truth and acknowledgment is that I stepped on the scale and was given the shock of my life. I’m no longer in the overweight category on the BMI range. I’m now considered obese and I have the data to prove it to myself.
How I’m going to remedy this problem, I’m not sure yet. I have very little hope that I can lose a healthy amount of weight and get myself back into shape without sacrificing something drastic. I’ve started over so many times, keeping my weight in check with a gain/loss of 2-3 lbs only. But that 2-3 lbs slowly upgraded overtime to only gaining 5-6 lbs. Sooner or later it jumped to 10 lbs up from my highest. I was no longer balancing between losing and gaining, I was only going up and up.
I guess I took for granted that even though I wasn’t losing, I was still maintaining what was still considered healthy. All the running and the drinking water and the working out and healthy eating was doing something, even if it wasn’t showing on the scale.
It was keeping me in check and keeping me healthy.
Maybe I just got tired. And I know I did. But that’s not an excuse. Most of the exhaustion comes from not being active enough. I may walk a lot and stand a lot and move a lot but I also sit a lot too.
So, what now? The obvious answer is to start eating healthy, drinking my water, and to start working out again. But that hasn’t work so far. If anything that has pushed me away and kept me from trying anymore. I need to figure something else out. Find a way to trick my mind into working out again.
Whatever the case may be, I need to start doing something.
No matter how small.